One of the most awesome perks of living in NYC is riding the subway to anywhere in NYC. Who takes a cab? Who drives? The only fools who drive are the ones with a death wish and those with a disposable income take a cab. (Yes, many eons ago, I learned to drive on the streets of Midtown. You do NOT know how to drive unless you have successfully made it twenty blocks north on 7th Avenue without a single scratch or dent…and your body count is a mere 3) For the rest of us insane morons that choose to live in NYC we are left with two options. Take the subway or walk. (walking is often the better option, as the train system has been experiencing signal problems lately) I love taking the train…when I do not have to be at a specific place at a specific time. I don’t understand this phenomenon but when I get onto a train I doze off. It can be noon or three pm or 2 am-when I get on a train I doze off. If I am not careful, I fall asleep and miss my stop. This is for ANY train. Trains relax me. Car trips always annoyed the hell outta me.
Now that I have lost track of….the whole subject matter, let me get back on track. I love riding the train, when it is working properly. Part of living in a major city is riding the train system. I rode the DC Metro all over the place (including the bloodiest and most dangerous summer, 2009. That red line crash near Takoma Park? I was on that train in the fourth car. The time someone fell onto the tracks in McPhearson Square and also at West Falls Church? Yup again!! I was on those trains. The train whose brakes failed at Pentagon City? I smelled like smoke for a whole day because I couldn’t leave the fucking station. No, I am not bad luck!!) and I have ridden the subway in Philly and Los Angeles (who knew LA had a subway system?? I sure as hell didn’t! I was so thrilled when I found it…but my keeper freaking came to collect me before I could take the hell off. Lol) In any major city, one will find a subway…and one must ride on it at least once. The NYC trains are a lot older than the DC ones…and you don’t hear of nearly as many deaths. (2009 was a really bad year for anyone on the DC Metro….yikes )
The funny thing about trains is no matter what city you are in, you will run into these problems:
1. Some loud ass kids (usually girls) squealing and cutting up. Makes you want to push them onto the third rail. You only hear them when you are dead ass tired and just want a little peace and quiet. Even better, the “band” that plays in the stations or on the trains themselves. Bongo drums are great, but not when you are stuck in a car full of cranky people at the end of the workday.
2. Someone swinging around the pole. Hell, I have done that before. I see a pole and have to swing around it
3. Some homeless man covered in newspapers smoking a blunt…on the train. Doesn’t even share with you, that fucker. Yet, he will have the NERVE to ask you for a sandwich.
4. The Jesus freak that seems to only be on the train when you are…asking for “donations” and preaching at the top of his lungs
5. The crazy old lady sewing some tattered string. If she looks crazy and has sharp objects in her hand…stay away!
6. A rat skittering across the train platform or the one who threatens your life if you don’t hand over whatever food you have. Train rats and roaches are no joke. Don’t try to fight them…just hand over whatever they ask for. They are KNOWN to hold grudges and will make sure your trip is as unpleasant as possible. They have a whole network and can contact other rats/roaches at other stations…trust me!!!!! DON’T FUCK WITH THE TRAIN WILDLIFE! It makes for an embarrassing but funny story if you survive. (hey, remember that time I was jacked for my iPod by that crazy ass rat? He had his boys with him and everything…I had no choice. I saw what they did to the guy in front of me who refused. He is now laying on the third rail looking stupid)
7. If you have to be someplace at a specific time…you will be late. It’s a fact of life on any train in any major city. The train will “be held momentarily due to traffic on the track”…..IT HALTS A STOP AWAY FROM WHERE YOU HAVE TO GET OFF!! Or some medical emergency happens in the car in front of you. I am sorry. If you are over the age of 60 and you want to ride the train…have an aide with you. Have a walker or something…that way you don’t fall and crack your goddamned skull open and hold up the train I am on. Don’t even think of riding an express train….just fucking don’t unless you are up for an adventure and have no life. Express does not mean faster….it just means more fucking confusion.
8. You are running down the stairs, flying down the platform to catch the train (as you are of course, running late) and some slow ass in front of you decides to halt and act lost. You have no clue how many people I have shoved out the way. Men, women, children, mothers with strollers…I don’t fucking care. You are in my way and I have to make this train. That is why on any staircase/escalator in any train station you will see signs…slow asses to the right so the rest of us can race up the left hand side of the stairs. That is my NUMBER ONE pet peeve. Slow asses who act like they are in their own little world. Those who stop directly in front of me. They sense someone is breathing down their neck….and they just HALT. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that.
9. The train map/schedule shown in each station is not the same route the train follows. I promise. You have to decode the damn routes, coordinate and synchronize your watches, plan ahead and just hope for the best. The express train runs on the middle tracks from this time to this time….and skips the stop you want. So, you make sure you are on the track the express doesn’t run on (the local track). Little did you know, there is track work being fucking done and you, not paying any goddamned attention, hop on the train (then again, there were no signs posted, no announcements or any fucking thing) and it’s an express train using the local track. Now, you are in New Roc City wondering how in the fuck you got there when you were supposed to be in Astoria 3 days ago. Remind me to tell you of the time I went from the Bronx to midtown…and caught the wrong train THREE TIMES. Then I tried to catch a Queens bound train from Midtown later that night…took me 2.5 hours just to make it to Queens! There is no method to the madness that is the MTA. You can’t plan a trip. Just…hop on a train with a general idea of where you would like to end up and hope for the best. If you are lucky and catch a no nonsense conductor, you should be 6 blocks from your final destination and only half an hour late. Does the MTA even have timetables???? It wouldn’t matter if they did….they don’t follow them anyways.
10. You will always see something fucking just….crazy on a train. In Philly, I saw a guy masturbating. In NYC, I have seen something I want to try LOL. This guy and girl were standing against a pole on the A train…and the girl had a skirt on. Yes, they were having sex in case you are a slow ass and I have to spell it out for you. (get a clue, duh) Los Angeles….I wasn’t on it long enough to really get into the whole subway scene…like I said, my keeper knew I had found a subway and was about to TAKE THE FUCK OFF (not to be seen for a long, long time)…..so he came and picked me up from a train station. I will go back out there though and fully explore Los Angeles via subway. In DC….I have done crazy shit on a train. LOL. I have gotten on a train drunk as shit (talk about fun times) and somehow, wound up halfway naked on the train floor…at 1 am. I don’t know how. My boyfriend was sitting on the seat laughing at me, that is all I can really remember.
Just keep these things in mind when riding a subway anywhere….and you will be okay. You will scream in frustration at that moment…but man!! You will have THE BEST DAMN STORIES EVER!!
I love NYC. I really do.
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