How to break up..For the Providers in the Hobby

It is only fair to write a guide for the women in this hobby too!! I wrote one for the them....now to tell women how to be an asshole and get rid of the client that just wont go away.

1. Give him a horrible bj...better yer, none at all!! This is a surefire way to have him never see you again!
2. Tell him you love him like no other man you have met in your life.
3. The condom broke....DADDY!!!!!!
4. The tests came back positive.
5. Tell him all sorts of weird things about youself. Make stuff up if you have to. Tell him how much you want to be accepted for who you really are, how lonely you are and when you are nervous you tweeze your chin hairs. Whatever it takes to convince him you are just too weird to be around.
6. Act like a drunk cokehead when you two are out in public together. Be loud in public, get wasted and announce to the world that you are a hooker...and the man beside you is paying for EVERYTHING!!. also say he is the one who supplied the "party favors"..and will cut you a good deal if you buy from him.
7. Send him at least five emails a da. The max per day is ten though. Talk about nothing and everything. Act bitchy in one email and then send another one immediately apologizing. Send him another email demanding an answer followed by one saying nevermind the previous email. Never call, always email. This works especially if someone is glued to their inbox all damn day.
8. If he starts to act like as though he has a real interest in you then show a "real" interest in him! You will be accused of acting like you think of him as a boyfriend but he will quickly disappear. (warning, you will also be accused of acting psycho)
9. Ask for "real" help. Tell him you  need bail money or you just got evicted and need a place to live. You will never hear from him again. LOL.
10. Act jealous. This is the easiest way to start drama, thus getting a guy to leave you alone.


For bonus points...act clingy. Act like he is the only true friend you have...and when he finally does tell you its over, be the uber professional bitch you really are!! lol.

How to break up....Hobby Style! For the men in the hobby...

This is for the men and women in this industry. Sometimes we meet someone and sparks fly. She is single, he is single, there is chemistry, mutual attraction, lines may become blurred. There comes a time when the chemistry fades and you want to move on...but how? You can do it politely and professionally....OR you can be a complete asshole. The method you choose depends on what type of character the other person is. You also have to ask yourself if you want this connection to be completely burned. I have compiled a list for men and women on how to break up with someone....asshole style.

For the Men:
1. Tell her you love her, want to marry her and make an honest woman out of her.
2. Tell her you just lost your job and would love to still see her.
3. Ask for a freebie after the first date. Don't try to be slick about it. Just ask outright
4. Tell her your parents/kids would love to meet her. Have your kids call her "Daddy's Special Friend"
5. Insist on the fact that she loves you and wants to be with you....even though she had told you repeatedly that is not the case. Her actions also prove her case...but ignore all that. You are in the right, she is in the wrong. Twist all her words in any conversation. Make sure you make her feel stupid and inferior even when she asks an innocent question (like, if she asks you how your day is going, tell her its going to hell but you dont need her to boost your ego today.) Let her know she is trying to trap you and you dont appreciate that. Never compliment her, always put her down. Everything she says is an attempt to make you her boyfriend.
6. Tell her the tests came back positive.
7. Tell her all your character flaws in an attempt to get her to open up to you. Tell her the sob stories, yadda yadda. Do this for every conversation/email/IM you tow exchange. When she finally opens up to you, cut her off, call her delusional and tell her that you cant handle her drama.
8. Ask for her real name. If she won't give you her real name, tell her she is cut off. No more drugs, no more extra gifts, no more money.
9. Act possessive when you two are together. Act upset when she greets another man or isnt't completely focused on you. At the same time, you are to greet every woman you know with a wink, a smack on the ass and explain to your "date" that you like providers. This is what you do. (double standard type thing)
10. Give her really bad sex. Horrible. A chick can only take so much faking it. Don't get her off, don't pleasure her in any way. Promise her sexual fantasies come true and never fulfill them. She will get tired of the bullshit eventually. Make sure you havent showered in a couple days when you see her. Add stank breath for bonus points.

Do any of these and you will have that provider running from you!! for ever!! lol.

God Bless the Fracking Subway...MTA!!!

God Bless the Fracking NYC Transit…..MTA!!!

One of the most awesome perks of living in NYC is riding the subway to anywhere in NYC. Who takes a cab? Who drives? The only fools who drive are the ones with a death wish and those with a disposable income take a cab. (Yes, many eons ago, I learned to drive on the streets of Midtown. You do NOT know how to drive unless you have successfully made it twenty blocks north on 7th Avenue without a single scratch or dent…and your body count is a mere 3) For the rest of us insane morons that choose to live in NYC we are left with two options. Take the subway or walk. (walking is often the better option, as the train system has been experiencing signal problems lately) I love taking the train…when I do not have to be at a specific place at a specific time. I don’t understand this phenomenon but when I get onto a train I doze off. It can be noon or three pm or 2 am-when I get on a train I doze off. If I am not careful, I fall asleep and miss my stop. This is for ANY train. Trains relax me. Car trips always annoyed the hell outta me.

Now that I have lost track of….the whole subject matter, let me get back on track. I love riding the train, when it is working properly. Part of living in a major city is riding the train system. I rode the DC Metro all over the place (including the bloodiest and most dangerous summer, 2009. That red line crash near Takoma Park? I was on that train in the fourth car. The time someone fell onto the tracks in McPhearson Square and also at West Falls Church? Yup again!! I was on those trains. The train whose brakes failed at Pentagon City? I smelled like smoke for a whole day because I couldn’t leave the fucking station. No, I am not bad luck!!) and I have ridden the subway in Philly and Los Angeles (who knew LA had a subway system?? I sure as hell didn’t! I was so thrilled when I found it…but my keeper freaking came to collect me before I could take the hell off. Lol) In any major city, one will find a subway…and one must ride on it at least once. The NYC trains are a lot older than the DC ones…and you don’t hear of nearly as many deaths. (2009 was a really bad year for anyone on the DC Metro….yikes )



The funny thing about trains is no matter what city you are in, you will run into these problems:

1. Some loud ass kids (usually girls) squealing and cutting up. Makes you want to push them onto the third rail. You only hear them when you are dead ass tired and just want a little peace and quiet. Even better, the “band” that plays in the stations or on the trains themselves. Bongo drums are great, but not when you are stuck in a car full of cranky people at the end of the workday.

2. Someone swinging around the pole. Hell, I have done that before. I see a pole and have to swing around it

3. Some homeless man covered in newspapers smoking a blunt…on the train. Doesn’t even share with you, that fucker. Yet, he will have the NERVE to ask you for a sandwich.

4. The Jesus freak that seems to only be on the train when you are…asking for “donations” and preaching at the top of his lungs

5. The crazy old lady sewing some tattered string. If she looks crazy and has sharp objects in her hand…stay away!

6. A rat skittering across the train platform or the one who threatens your life if you don’t hand over whatever food you have. Train rats and roaches are no joke. Don’t try to fight them…just hand over whatever they ask for. They are KNOWN to hold grudges and will make sure your trip is as unpleasant as possible. They have a whole network and can contact other rats/roaches at other stations…trust me!!!!! DON’T FUCK WITH THE TRAIN WILDLIFE! It makes for an embarrassing but funny story if you survive. (hey, remember that time I was jacked for my iPod by that crazy ass rat? He had his boys with him and everything…I had no choice. I saw what they did to the guy in front of me who refused. He is now laying on the third rail looking stupid)

7. If you have to be someplace at a specific time…you will be late. It’s a fact of life on any train in any major city. The train will “be held momentarily due to traffic on the track”…..IT HALTS A STOP AWAY FROM WHERE YOU HAVE TO GET OFF!! Or some medical emergency happens in the car in front of you. I am sorry. If you are over the age of 60 and you want to ride the train…have an aide with you. Have a walker or something…that way you don’t fall and crack your goddamned skull open and hold up the train I am on. Don’t even think of riding an express train….just fucking don’t unless you are up for an adventure and have no life. Express does not mean faster….it just means more fucking confusion.

8. You are running down the stairs, flying down the platform to catch the train (as you are of course, running late) and some slow ass in front of you decides to halt and act lost. You have no clue how many people I have shoved out the way. Men, women, children, mothers with strollers…I don’t fucking care. You are in my way and I have to make this train. That is why on any staircase/escalator in any train station you will see signs…slow asses to the right so the rest of us can race up the left hand side of the stairs. That is my NUMBER ONE pet peeve. Slow asses who act like they are in their own little world. Those who stop directly in front of me. They sense someone is breathing down their neck….and they just HALT. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that.

9. The train map/schedule shown in each station is not the same route the train follows. I promise. You have to decode the damn routes, coordinate and synchronize your watches, plan ahead and just hope for the best. The express train runs on the middle tracks from this time to this time….and skips the stop you want. So, you make sure you are on the track the express doesn’t run on (the local track). Little did you know, there is track work being fucking done and you, not paying any goddamned attention, hop on the train (then again, there were no signs posted, no announcements or any fucking thing) and it’s an express train using the local track. Now, you are in New Roc City wondering how in the fuck you got there when you were supposed to be in Astoria 3 days ago. Remind me to tell you of the time I went from the Bronx to midtown…and caught the wrong train THREE TIMES. Then I tried to catch a Queens bound train from Midtown later that night…took me 2.5 hours just to make it to Queens! There is no method to the madness that is the MTA. You can’t plan a trip. Just…hop on a train with a general idea of where you would like to end up and hope for the best. If you are lucky and catch a no nonsense conductor, you should be 6 blocks from your final destination and only half an hour late. Does the MTA even have timetables???? It wouldn’t matter if they did….they don’t follow them anyways.

10. You will always see something fucking just….crazy on a train. In Philly, I saw a guy masturbating. In NYC, I have seen something I want to try LOL. This guy and girl were standing against a pole on the A train…and the girl had a skirt on. Yes, they were having sex in case you are a slow ass and I have to spell it out for you. (get a clue, duh) Los Angeles….I wasn’t on it long enough to really get into the whole subway scene…like I said, my keeper knew I had found a subway and was about to TAKE THE FUCK OFF (not to be seen for a long, long time)…..so he came and picked me up from a train station. I will go back out there though and fully explore Los Angeles via subway. In DC….I have done crazy shit on a train. LOL. I have gotten on a train drunk as shit (talk about fun times) and somehow, wound up halfway naked on the train floor…at 1 am. I don’t know how. My boyfriend was sitting on the seat laughing at me, that is all I can really remember.

Just keep these things in mind when riding a subway anywhere….and you will be okay. You will scream in frustration at that moment…but man!! You will have THE BEST DAMN STORIES EVER!!



I love NYC. I really do.